3 Steps For Radical Self-Love
Let's talk about radical self-love. We’ve seen the term everywhere but what does it really mean? To me, it means making the healthiest choice no matter what. It means choosing the path that leads me to the highest ground. It means choosing what is truly best for my own personal healing and growth. Radical self-love is more than saying "I love you" to myself in the mirror, though that is part a big part of it. What it really is to me is the ammo with which I conquer any self-defeating force that comes my way. Here are some ways to radicalize your self-love:
1. Surround Yourself With People Who Build You Up Without Tearing Anyone Else Down
That includes themselves. Of course it's important to have people in your life who make you feel at home but it's even better when they are so compassionate that no one gets left out in the cold. For example, let's say you have an interpersonal problem where you have perceived another to have wronged you and you go to your friends for support. It can feel damn good to bash this "other person" to make yourself feel better. A good friend isn't someone who enables this by joining in on the bashing but rather helps to free you from the cycle of negativity so you can move on. I don't mean that they should side with the "other person", however, it is possible to support you and your feelings while showing compassion for everyone involved. This compassionate friendship is important because it helps you remain compassionate. What we give is what we keep = when we are compassionate to others, it teaches us to be more compassionate towards ourselves. This is the difference between conditional and unconditional love.
2. Learn to Tell the Difference Between Fact and Fiction
I recently bought a bathing suit from JORDYN LEAH SWIM because 1) they're BEAUTIFUL, 2) they’re local & eco-friendly, 3) they’re sexy as hell. It’s super high cut and shows some serious side-boob. I feel sexy as hell when I wear it. But, when I tried it on for the first time, the voice inside my head started saying things like, "this suit is only for people skinnier than you" and "everyone will see how fat you are" and "no one wants to see this much of you". My mind began yo-yo-ing between 'yes, I’m sexy as hell' and 'cover yourself up, you ugly pig’. The voice kept rolling out awful commentary. Previously, I would have let that voice dictate what I wore and how I carried myself. Not now. I heard that voice and actively decided to ignore it. I snapped some pics and sent them to good friends (like the ones from step #1) who I knew would respond with heart emojis, and I posted a pic on social media as well. The voice got louder as I did this. It started to say things like, “your friends are only pretending to like it” and “they’re lying to you to make you feel better”. Still, I ignored them. This voice is toxic and if I indulge it, it poisons me and I start dying on the inside. When I ignore it and wear what I want to wear/feel sexy in, it’s like taking the antidote to years of poison micro-dosing. These horrible things are only in my head. They are not real. To ignore and deny this voice is an act of radical self-love. When we drink the poison, we deny ourselves the belief we are worthy of love. When we deny the poison, we step into our innate worthiness.
3. Life’s Too Short to Listen to Shitty Music
AKA: Boundaries. You knew this was going to be on the list, right? I used to have zero boundaries. Zero. Over the past two years, I’ve been able to establish what makes me feel awesome and what makes me feel gross and I am happy to report that I have gotten better at saying no to the latter. What I have learned is that sticking out events, commitments, responsibilities, relationships, jobs, etc that you think you have to stick out but make you feel like garbage for any reason is the opposite of self-love. Scratch that, it’s the opposite of love in general. Your worth is not measured by your ability to deny yourself happiness at the expense of others. Let me repeat: your worth is not measure by your ability to deny yourself happiness at the expense of others. My mom has a record label shirt that says, ‘Life’s Too Short to Listen to Shitty Music’ and that can be said for anything, not just music. Life’s too short to (physically, emotionally, mentally) attend anything that isn’t serving you. When you constantly give yourself over to things that make you feel bad, misaligned, bored, irritated, drained, overwhelmed… the message you are sending to yourself is that you don’t deserve any better. You are saying to yourself that you are only as good as your ability to do things that you don’t want to do. When you spread yourself thin by doing this, you are never your full self. When you are never your full self, no one—least alone you—can be fulfilled by you. Your needs will never be fully met. And what is radical self love? It’s meeting your needs to the absolute fullest, no matter what. Saying no to things you don’t want to do is radical self-love. Saying no to relationships that no longer serve you is radical self-love. Saying no is love.
As I said, life is short. We have the honour of being the curators of our lives and every choice we make is part of the grand design. What do you want that to look like? Every choice is a thread in the tapestry and once it’s complete, it will be too late to try a different pattern. We cannot afford to entertain negativity. We cannot afford to deny ourselves passion and wonder. We cannot afford to play small. We are pure love—now let’s live like it.
Love, Denise